Uncontrollable
by YuriLover47
Summary: One kiss. Just one kiss. I know it seemed like a lot to ask for, but it was all I needed in order to keep my true feelings concealed. But I allowed things to spin out of control. I knew what I was doing had crossed the line, but I let it happen. And now I must face her, the one I love. The one I've taken advantage of.


**Hey everyone! I'm finally back with another Fire Emblem: Awakening yuri fic! I decided to take a bit of a different approach with this one than my others. I'm sure you'll see as soon as the story begins. So, go ahead and read! Enjoy!**

Oh gods, what have I done? I had never, in my wildest dreams, meant for this to happen. It was never supposed to come to this. One kiss. Just one kiss. That was all I needed. But this...this MORE than crossed the line. Waking up next to this girl, our naked bodies pressed together...a wave of terror washes down my spine. Shame flows through me and settles in my chest, its' weight like a large stone, and I mentally throttle myself. '_Why, why, why? Why did you let this happen? How could you have so easily given into temptation like that? You should have stopped the moment she pinned you to the bed!'_  
>But I didn't. I allowed it to happen, happily welcomed it. The pure ecstasy had taken hold of me and clouded my better judgement. I had known that this was the point of no return. I had known that the removal of our garments, the kissing, the touching, the intimate words spoken in a drunken haze...I had known what they meant. What they would mean when Lucina woke up the next day and remembered what had transpired, how I had taken advantage of her. I knew that. Yet I had thrown all cares away to the wind in one lustful act of utter selfishness. I clench my teeth and try very hard not to berate myself with a thousand curses. Stupid, selfish me! How could I have been so horrible!?<br>I turn to my right. Lucina still sleeps beside me, facing me, her chest rising and falling slowly with each breath. One arm is draped across my waist and the other rests on the pillow between our heads, close enough so that my breath rushes over it as I exhale. Her blue hair is disheveled and tangled. A single strand rests on her forehead, but I do not attempt to fix it. I dare not even move. It's as if any movement, no matter how small, will awaken this sleeping beauty, throwing her back into reality and shattering her world as she realizes what I've done to her.  
>But I know that, at some point, she will wake up anyway. There is no escape for me, not that I intend to do so. This is entirely my responsibility, and I must face it and accept it. No matter how brutal it will be, I must do this. I've dug my grave. Now it is time to lie in it. It's strange, though. I'm a brilliant tactician. Not quite as good as my father, but still very exceptional. Yet I see no strategy that I can use to rectify this situation. I'm left to flop like a fish, gasping and struggling futilely, no plan, only scrambled thoughts, until my moment of judgement arrives. Which, as fate would have it, appears all too quickly.<br>Lucina's eyes flutter open. At first there's a grogginess in them, most likely left over from her drunken state the night before. They swivel this way and that, taking in the scene, but not really registering anything. Then things begin to sink in. She remembers what happened, and her eyes settle on me. They grow wider, and her mouth opens, but words fail to come out.  
>I look away, too ashamed to meet her gaze. My eyes begin to well up with tears and my vision becomes blurred.<br>"Morgan?" Her voice is barely a whisper. "Did we...?"  
>"Yes." I choke out. "Yes, we did."<br>"Oh, gods..."  
>Dammit, why am I the one crying? What right do I have to do so? If either of us should be sobbing, it's her! It's my fault this happened! She's the victim! So why are tears streaming down my cheeks instead of hers'?<br>I clench my eyes shut and dig my nails into my palm, the pain only briefly distracting me from the problem at hand.  
>My mind flashes with images of the night before, my stupid plan replaying itself as if to mock me and shame me for what I've done.<p>

* * *

><p>My foot taps in a quick staccato rhythm as I sit impatiently at the edge of the stone fountain. The crowds of people around me create a din of loud, mixed conversations, but it does not disturb me. Being a tactitian, I've grown accustomed to thinking under stress and chaotic places. But I am worried. It's almost time, but I'm not sure if I'm ready. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready. My strategy is set and I've gone over it about a hundred times now in my head. I've made sure everything will go according to plan.<p>

But can I really go through with it? The moral dilemma gnaws at me and leaves me indecisive. One part of me knows it's wrong, but the other part of me screams to give in to my desires. Oh, what to do, what to do...?  
>I think of what it would mean if I were a boy. I would not even need to conspire such a shady, underhanded plot. Free from the oppressive fears that constantly chain me down each and every day, I would be able to grow close to Lucina, further than the boundaries of friendship. Unrestricted by the unspoken laws that forbid me from openly feeling the affection I do for her, she might reciprocate my love.<br>But I'm not a boy. I'm a girl, and so is she. That means that I'm not allowed to feel for her as I do.  
>I remember, once, back in the dreaded dystopia that we called the future, there were two men in the army. Both were kind, normal young gentlemen, well liked by everyone else. But when word got out that there were romantic relations between the two, people began avoiding them. Some openly admitted that they despised the couple, and others pretended that they had never existed. Few cried when they fell in battle, defending their country that was too ashamed to remember them.<br>It was then that I vowed to keep my feelings bottled up. There doesn't seem to be a place for people like me. There is only room for the 'normal' folk, and if you are not among them, then you are not a human at all. It's painful and frightening to think of the things that people would do to me if they found out I was in love with Lucina.  
>But, lately, it's become increasingly harder to keep my feelings locked away. In the future, I rarely saw her. She was always busy with the army, battles, morale, saving the world. We only really talked to one another during meetings, and then it was always business. Tactics, plans, intel, statistics. This allowed me to stay safely away from her. The less time I was with her, the less I could grow attached to her, right? But when we jumped back to the past through the portal and met up again, I could not tell if it was a blessing or a curse. The one I longed for, so close, yet even further away than when I had started. Each moment we spent together from then on was more intimate, more than just a business meeting between a Lord and her Tactician. We became true friends, best friends, like our fathers before us. Where as she was distant and serious in the future, she now seemed slightly more relaxed and happy. Smiles now lit up her face and laughter rang in her voice. I loved it.<br>And I loathed it. Fate had given me a chance to grow close to the one I loved, but denied me the right to express my love. The gods must laugh at me from their perches in the heavens. They see a silly, simple human, grasping for something she can never obtain. They dangle Lucina before me, knowing that I won't lunge for her, because if I do, I will throw everything else away and fall into the pit that they have concealed in front of me. I will have fallen into their trap; my own grave. I will be buried alive, alone and hopeless, despairing for all eternity.  
>But I can't not love her. Lucina fills my mind, my heart, my soul, all the time, and no matter how much I try to stop loving her, I can't. It is impossible.<br>But...perhaps I can at least keep it a secret for the rest of my life if I just shared one kiss with her. At some point, this idea must have floated into my brain, and there it stays now, buzzing about like an angry swarm of bees, refusing to be still and silent until the act is carried out. I realize how stupid and unrealistic it sounds, but I've become too fixated on it now to care.  
>So I devised a plan, and here is where I am now. Standing on the edge of decision and doubt, swaying back and forth, but never leaning far enough to one side to fall over and stay there.<br>'_One kiss. That's all I need.' _I tell myself.  
><em>'But I can't do it.'<em> I argue back. _'Think of the consequences!'  
>'What consequences? With my plan, there won't be any consequences.'<br>'Morally! It's wrong! I'll be lying, to myself and to her. What good is the kiss if it doesn't mean anything?'_  
>"Morgan!"<br>I look up and see Lucina jogging towards me. The night is dark, but she shines brighter than all of the lights in the town and the stars above. I feel my heart flutter at the sight of her. Her hair flows behind her like a silky flag billowing in the wind, each strand illuminated by the colored lamps stringed above the town square, tinting her shades of blue and red and yellow and green. There's a smile on her face and a liveliness in her eyes that brings a grin onto my own face. If one were to look at her, they would never believe that she was a brave, powerful commander. At the moment, she simply looked like a pretty young lady, happy to meet with her best friend on the night of the town's festival.  
>I swallow hard as I realize what this means. I have to go through with it. There's no other option. Gazing upon Lucina, so cheerful and beautiful...I know that I will never be able to keep my love for her hidden.<br>At least without a kiss. Just one kiss.

**So I'm actually planning on adding more chapters to this! I know, it's my first work that's not a one shot! GASP! Yep, I'm moving forward, and I'd greatly appreciate it if you wonderful readers would support me. So please leave a review, tell me what you think, and be honest! If I get enough support, I may just continue this fic...at some point...maybe...**

**Also, I'd like to thank any readers who have previously reviewed my stories. Thanks for helping me out, and I hope you'll all keep reading my stories in the future!**

**Until next time!**


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